Thursday, May 16, 2013

"it's for a friend..."

Last night, Sally, Brock and I decided to go to Trader Joe's. This was in addition to other fun things. We don't just go to grocery stores together and then home. As we drove over, we were each listing off the things we wanted to buy at Trader Joe's, and Sally finally confessed, "I need toilet paper."
We all agreed that toilet paper is very embarrassing to buy.

Present company excepted, everyone pees and poops, right? I mean, I don't. You don't. Sally and Brock certainly don't. But most gross people do. There should be nothing embarrassing about buying toilet paper. Yet Sally and Brock were freaking out, "Well, who's going to hold it when we walk out of the store? Not me. I don't want to hold it. You KNOW they won't put it in a bag."

That's true. Toilet paper never goes in a shopping bag. It must be carried and displayed like a neon sign announcing, "This is for my poo, folks! This is for numbers 1 and 2. Please picture me on a toilet because it is such a sure thing, I am preemptively buying a special product for just that."

"It's worse if you're a guy." Sally said in the trail mix aisle. "Because then it's just for number 2."

"It's for a friend."
Then began a heated discussion on men being kind of into pooping. Not necessarily proud of it,  it's like an official part of their day, one that requires smartphones and magazines attend. It is not that way for women, or so I've heard. Again, I do not use restrooms for anything other than checking my hair.

We dropped Sally off, screaming out the window, "Have fun with your toilet paper! Which you're going to use on the toilet!" Her neighbor was there, helping her with her bags. He was nervously shooting us the side-eyes as Brock and I yelled the words "poo" and "pee" across Nob Hill. And he was kinda awkward not because Brock and I are idiot children with some serious bathroom issues. But because Sally bought toilet paper, and that is totally embarrassing...

4 comments:

Brian Lawrence said...

The most important part of the decision- what quantity do you buy? If you buy a huge amount, then you don't have to buy it so often. But then people wonder what exactly you are doing that requires such a large amount....

Seana said...

I always buy it at Costco. GIGANTIC amounts of TP. But easily disguisable because I also always buy papertowels in the same quantity.

Anonymous said...

Sally was just planning some exterior decorating (for a friend).

Anonymous said...

Speaking of women who don't goop, I mean, poop, were you the lucky buyer of this?

Will you be gooping with Gwyneth while she scolds you condescendingly for not having a wood fired pizza oven?