Tuesday, January 15, 2013

clearly, i was on stage crew and i have given anne hathaway fictional deadbeat parents...

A bunch of friends came over on Sunday evening to watch the Golden Globes, which means I missed half the speeches because people were screaming, "I hope all your planes crash!" at Anne Hathaway.
Okay, that was me. And I don't really hope that. I just fucking stand how actress-y she is.
Anne Hathaway is the star of the high school musical who bakes cookies for people whose name she'll never know and screams into their faces on closing night, "We will be friends for fucking ever! I want all of your dreams to come true! We couldn't have done this without your amazing work on the lighting board!"
And the lighting kids are like, "Thanks Anne." Years later, they'll say nice things about her because she's famous now and she WAS truly nice. But it was always a little bit off. If they ran into her now, which they never will, they would remind her about 'My Fair Lady' during senior year, and she'd be all, "Oh my God, totally! Wasn't that the most amazing time! I totally remember you! Do you remember when I baked those dumb cookies? So funny!" That's Anne Hathaway.
I was talking to my mother today, because I am one of those, and I said, "I hate Anne Hathaway."Of course my mother responded, "I love her!" And if this were high school and we were all working on My Fair Lady, my mother would encourage me to carpool with that marvelous Anne Hathaway and isn't Anne Hathaway such a talent. Anne has such a wonderful presence, and how come Anne's parent's never come to any of her performances? And I would scream, "They are OUR performances, mom. Not Anne's!"
Moving on! Jodie Foster's speech scared the living shit out of me. I had no idea what was going on from the get-go, with that awkward, I'm Fifty!" But when she started to imply she was about to officially come out of the closet (again?), everyone got all excited. For 4 minutes, we watched in nervous silence until someone sighed, "Okay. Nevermind." Then we all started wondering if Jodie Foster drunk or really nervous, or simply no longer gave a shit and was going to, in the words of John Mayer, say what she needed to say. What was with that intro by Robert Downey Jr. and the hamster thing with Mel Gibson? The whole Cecil B. DeMille segment baffled me. That said, Jodie looked AMAZING in that Armani. I love that she's stuck with Armani since the 80's. I do not love that she calls him "Mr. Armani" on the red carpet, but I think that's an old Italian designer thing. "Mr. Valentino, Mr. De La Renta" etc. (see: Gwyneth Paltrow ever discussing fashion.)
Tommy Lee Jones needs to get the fuck over himself. Even Daniel Day Lewis played along with the host banter by doing the little E.T. finger thing. Tommy Lee Jones, who is no Daniel Day Lewis, would never do the E.T. finger thing.
Another person I hate? Claire Danes. When she accepted her Globe, she seemed kinda over it. "Oh, another Golden Globe? I have like, a hundred of these. I don't even know where I'll put this one. Who am I kidding? I'll probably forget it in the limo. Whatever. Deep voiced thanks. I steal husbands. I use medical chemicals to make my eyelashes longer and so should you. Ugh, this is my millionth thank you speech. Over it."
I should be more positive. I love Jennifer Lawrence, even though she's getting a little Kristen Stewart-y with the attitude. "Oh, like I'm supposed to be excited. Yeah. Right. I've never been excited in my life and you think I'm going to start now? I don't even like movies."
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were amazing in every way, and how could they not be. So were Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell. I was expecting a better, funnier speech from Lena Dunham who, without any trace of irony or awareness, pulled out her typed speech while saying, "Oh my God, I can't believe I won." She was dramatizing how difficult it was to walk in that dress and heels, which is a comedic move I can see myself using. But why was she in that dress in the first place? It seemed unlike her (very awesome and unique) style.
We spent a great deal of time discussing whether or not Ben Affleck was wearing a hair piece. Eve and Tim steadfastly maintain his hair is clearly moving forward. I think maybe he dyed his hair (for a role, of course), thus causing it to look somehow fake. There were a lot of bad dye-jobs on men, oddly. Eve suggested that some men are too embarrassed to get their hair professionally colored, and choose to instead, color their own hair. Proving once again, dudes are dumb.
The Golden Globe Award Ceremony is my favorite of all the awards shows because it's the formal one where everyone gets drunk and weird. A Golden Globe Award doesn't count as much as an Oscar, but it counts a lot, they include television, separating comedy from drama, and children of stars get to be Mr. and Ms. Golden Globes!
The only downside? No 'In Memoriam.' Oddly, the only other person to notice this was my brother, who polished off a chicken wing and announced, "Wait! Where are the dead people?"

1 comment:

Michael Strickland said...

Part of what makes the Golden Globes fab is there is no In Memoriam. Can you imagine all those drunks crying and/or laughing inappropriately during the montage? Wait, maybe you're right, and they should have an In Memoriam, with the director capturing embarrassing audience reactions.

Affleck is all about hair, on his chest, his chin, and his head. "Argo" was essentially about Affleck having more hair than those Iranian student revolutionaries., and that's how he snuck out those whiny embassy people who were all probably CIA snitches who should have been imprisoned for life.

I haven't seen "Girls," but after that godawful showing by Ms. Dunham with her prom gown strap sitting awkwardly over her edgy tattoo, it no longer feels like required viewing.

Jodie was crazy and fabulous. I dislike every movie she's ever directed and she's become sort of a boring actress, but after her performance as the sexually ambiguous 13-year-old Audrey in "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore" back in the 1970s, she basically became a Goddess For Life. As somebody put it on some blog, she already came out as a lesbian with that perfect performance as a pubescent drag king.